I JUST WORKED SIX DAYS IN A ROW MAKING COFFEE FOR PEOPLE AND CLEANING WITH BLEACH AND DOING OTHER THINGS THAT I DO NOT ENJOY. I HATE EVERYONE EVER. ESPECIALLY PEOPLE WITH CREDIT CARDS WTF WHO PAYS FOR COFFEE WITH A CREDIT CARD.

I AM TRYING TO KNIT A ROBOT OUT OF YARN IT IS NOT GOING WELL. ALSO I THINK MAYBE THE YARN IS THE WRONG COLOUR.

I WANT TO GET THE KIND OF JOB WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE OR TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE. MAYBE ONCE I GET A DEGREE. I HOPE I CAN STILL GET A DEGREE WITH THIS KIND OF BRAIN DAMAGE.

Well, I seem to have fully recovered from Saturday night (though I nearly collapsed at work yesterday because for some reason I still had no energy at all) and I've got another day off before I start a six-day work week. Should be fun. My shifts tend to be fairly short, so it will probably be tolerable, and will give me an excuse to avoid my family when they come to town this weekend. Everybody wins!

I'm also going to a wedding on Saturday, which I am becoming increasingly depressed about. First it was mostly just anxiety at the prospect of a) hearing my mother say "Is that what you're wearing?" over and over and OVER AND OVER OH DEAR GOD and b) being forced to interact with my extended family who I either have never spoken to, or have spent the past three years actively avoiding.

Then I talked to Jacky about it, and she asked me who I was going with, since apparently people usually bring guests to weddings. Which I'm not doing, obviously, because I have no friends. And now that I think about it, Jacky is always getting invited to weddings. She uses people for money and manipulates everyone around her and she still gets invited to weddings. And me? Not so much.

Moving right along. So, at work we have this daily trivia question thing, you know, where if you get it right you get a free coffee? On Saturday my boss asked me to write the question, so I came up with one about what was the name of the earliest known city in the world, which I thought was pretty clever but not horribly difficult. Except no one actually got it. And then this one guy comes in being INCREDIBLY INCREDIBLY smug and says that the answer is Çatal Höyük. UM, NO. (The correct answer is Uruk, by the way. And he knew that one too, and was even more smug about it.)

So when I got home I looked it up in my archaeology textbook and determined that Çatal Höyük was not a city at all, because it didn't have any sort of formal social hierarchy, or any buildings that can be identified as manufacturing centres, and HA I'M RIGHT TAKE THAT ARCHAEOLOGY GUY. And then I realized that I'm deeply emotionally disturbed.

Also, this one customer on Saturday ordered something called a latte breve (?), which apparently is a latte made with half & half cream instead of milk. I'm not sure if this is the best or the worst thing ever. I'm afraid to try it because if I like it then I'll die of heart disease, and if I don't like it I'll have wasted all that espresso and cream for nothing.

I just got home from work. Normally, the coffee shop where I work closes at nine. However, it is across the street from a bookstore. I've taken what could possibly be a dangerous amount of pain medication, and I'm still angry.

Yesterday, I was mildly annoyed but mostly kind of amused at how many otherwise very reasonable adults would buy into a big marketing ploy. Now, I want to kill everyone in the world. Especially people who drink hot chocolate, pay for drinks with credit cards, and dress up as characters from shitty books.

I've just informed my sister that I will never speak to her again. Honestly, Claire, I expected better of you.

We had a party! It was kind of boring. Well, it started really early, and there were lots of people, and I can only deal with lots of people for so long before I get annoyed and leave. Except I couldn't leave, because it was my house. So, boring. I just don't get parties.

On the other hand, I'm moving into my new apartment (yay, new apartment!) on Saturday, so really, if I just stay out of the kitchen for the next few days I can avoid all of that post-party cleaning.

If I ever have a party at my new place, I'm only going to invite people I actually like. So, like, three people. That would rule.

My life has been boring. I'm now gainfully employed, making lattes for minimum wage. It's thrilling and glamorous. I'm having a hard time avoiding relationship drama. I think I may be starting to hate all forms of life.

Toronto is really hot right now, but my new place is air conditioned. Again, yay! That's pretty much all it takes to make me happy these days. Chocolate, air conditioning, sparkly lights. I'm very, very, very boring. I should spend the afternoon packing, but instead I think I'll get high and play Sims. What better way to spend my time than by playing a video game in which I do all the stuff I'd be doing if I wasn't playing a video game? How come Sims don't have to pack when they move?

Yesterday was my last day of work and all I can say is

Four more days to unemployment! Today was awful, but not more than usual. I've gone over my spending limit for staff purchases, but this one senior cashier says I can use her staff ID if I want to buy anything else (and I do, of course).

Also, I bought a hat. And before you get all "God, Brett, what do you need another hat for?" YOU MUST SEE THIS HAT. This is the hat that will solve all my problems. It has PINSTRIPES. There is absolutely nothing in the world sexier than this hat. Nothing that even comes close. One of these days I'll take photos.

ALSO, VERY IMPORTANT: Which Belle and Sebastian album should I get? I don't have any so far, I can only afford one and I just can't decide. I was standing around the store trying to decide, then I thought, why make the decision for myself when I can ask internet people? So I'm asking you, internet people. Please help me.

I can't really write about anything that goes on in my life because pretty much everything I say makes me sound stupid. For example:

I want to quit my job but I'm afraid to tell my boss. I was supposed to be done by the fifteenth, but to do that I would have had to give my notice today, which I didn't do. My boss is just terrifying, seriously. I keep asking myself what's the worst that could happen, but then I remember she could YELL AT ME OMG and then I would be SCARRED FOR LIFE and no I am not joking at all. There are people who I have avoided for years because I had one awkward conversation with them and every time I see them I panic. It's not social anxiety, I'm just an idiot.

Other than that, things are okay. I went to the hospital on Sunday and found out that no, I don't have the flesh-eating virus. It's stil la good thing I went though, because flesh-eating virus or not, when your leg starts turning black it's a good idea to have it looked at. Turns out it was an infected bug bite, so I got some antibiotics and now it just looks like a bruise.

Oi, Claire. I hope you wanted the Kaiser Chiefs album, because I bought it for you today. I'll buy the Libertines for you soon, okay? Before I quit, at least. I've got to buy a lot of things for other people (and even more for myself), so I hope there isn't a limit on staff purchases or something. I bought the new White Stripes album today (even though I'm morally opposed to them because they don't have a bass player and BASS PLAYERS ARE REALLY IMPORTANT OKAY) and I still feel kind of bad about it. Can't get over that guilt every time I spend money. It's ridiculous. I'd better get over it before I move out, because I don't want to have an existential crisis every time I go to the supermarket.

If I had a camera, I'd take lots of pictures of myself in silly hats and post them here. I've wanted to do that for a really long time, for some reason. I need a webcam or something. Seriously, whoever heard of a self-centred blogger without a webcam?

Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a bit yesterday. My job really isn't that bad. Actually, some almost good / almost interesting things have been going on lately:

My boss was a bit annoyed when I asked if it would be possible for them to pay me, but I did eventually get paid. That's always nice. They didn't pay me for all the hours I worked last month, but they never do and I don't like to complain. To them, I mean.

Someone came into the store the other day and asked if we had anything by DC Talk. No, really. DC Talk. This pretty much made my day. (We didn't have anything, though. I was kind of disappointed.)

I saw so many goths today. It was great. I didn't know there were any goths in Singapore, but there were at least four or five at work today. This one girl was wearing what looked like a goth kimono, made of blue fabric and black PVC, along with blue and black striped tights and a spiked choker. I wish I could get away with something so beautiful and ridiculous.

A very angry woman filled out a customer service feedback form and gave it to me instead of putting it in the common box (which, really, is there so that the staff won't find out what they're saying about us). She really wasn't happy about the people in the classical department. I ripped the form up and threw it away.

I didn't have to close the store alone today, which was good, and now I have three days off. On the other hand, I think I have some kind of flesh eating virus, so things really aren't so great.

What is it about Singapore? Is there something in the water or the air here that makes people feel the need to go shopping at 11PM? Why the fuck are stores even open until 11PM? It's just uncivilized. I mean, I can understand a 7-11 being open for 24 hours so people can get... bread, or something, but CDs? What are they, emergency CDs?

And what was my boss smoking when she decided that I should be the only person working the late shift on a Friday night? Has she somehow forgotten about the HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE WHO LINE UP FIVE MINUTES BEFORE CLOSING. One more customer and I would have just walked away, I swear. Or started yelling. The retail Tourette's thing is getting worse, too. I'm starting to direct it at inanimate objects as well as people. When the music is really loud (read: ALL THE FUCKING TIME) I yell at the phone. I'm somehow convinced that it'll stop ringing if I yell loud enough. So far this doesn't seem to be working. Why are other people not afraid to answer the phone?

I know I'm really losing it when I start swearing at shelves. Though, honestly, those shelves deserved it. Bastards.

I've got a sandfly bite on my leg, apparently. I don't know how the hell a sandfly got into HMV, or into Singapore for that matter, but it's gotten to the point where I don't want to move my leg at all because it's too painful. And disgusting, too. My lower leg is all red and swollen and looks like it's going to fall off. Or maybe the infection will just spread throughout my whole body and kill me. I don't know. I'm an idiot. An idiot who can barely walk at the moment but still has to stand for nine and a half hours a day.

They played Belle and Sebastian in the store today, but even that didn't help. Seriously. That's how bad this day was. I sometimes had to lower my voice while talking to customers so I wouldn't start crying. Have I always been this pathetic?

I'm just sick of talking to people these days, honestly. It's awkward and frustrating and just not worth the effort. It's so hard trying to convince people that I'm not stupid. And I'm not, really, I just can't communicate. I can understand concepts as well as the next person, I'm just horribly inarticulate and socially awkward. I have a hard enough time forming a complete thought, yet alone a coherent sentence. Maybe I am stupid, then. I don't really want to believe that because it just wouldn't be fair, would it, when I've got nothing else going for me.

What's worse, especially at work, is that I just can't hear. I was about 60% deaf when I was a kid, but I had surgery on my inner ear more than ten years ago and it's been almost normal since then. My friends always used to think it was weird when I'd apologise five times every time I couldn't hear what they were saying, but... it's just hard not to be self-conscious about that kind of thing. Especially now, when my job involves being able to hear people really clearly (despite their bizarre pronunciation and the loud noise) and I just can't. I'm so fucking useless at this job. How am I ever going to be able to do anything else if I can't even deal with this?

Working again tomorrow. You know, I think I actually used to like Saturdays. Can't remember why.

After two weeks of intensely intense discussion, the Singapore Board of Censors has decided that this month's issue of Q magazine is not appropriate for the general public. God knows why. Must be all that filthy commie rock'n'roll. I've taken one copy home with me (since HMV employees are above the law) and I'll have to spend some time figuring this out. The best part of my job is getting all the crappy magazines for free.

Oh, by the way, I'm quitting in a couple of weeks (for real this time) so if anyone in Singapore wants a discount on anything, just tell me sometime soon and I'll get it for you. I get 30% off full price items and 20% off chart and sale stuff, so it's worth the effort if there's something you'd like to get.

Two weeks from now I will stop talking about work and never talk about it again, I promise, but right now there's really nothing else going on in my life.

You know what the high point of my week is? Sunday, when Claire and Claire show up to harass me at work. This week they started filling out customer service feedback forms with comments like WE LOVE BRETT BECAUSE SHE GIVES US MONEY OUT OF THE CASH REGISTER and HAHAHA BRETT LOVES COCK. They were going to put them in the comment box, too, but I convinced them not to. I think I'll hold out a couple more weeks before quitting/getting fired.

THEN THEY WENT TO SEE STAR WARS WITHOUT ME. It's okay, though, because we went again yesterday and OMG AWESOMENESS. I want to be a Jedi. Even if it means I have to get my hand cut off because that seems to happen to pretty much everyone. We went home afterwards and watched Return of the Jedi, because the Claire wanted to be reminded that everything does end well, with teddy bears dancing in a forest.

No work today! And I actually might get paid at the end of this week! I really want to buy hats, but the Claires won't let me. Is it sad that my little sisters run my life?

I was walking to the bus stop on the way to work this morning when a snake fell out of a tree and onto the road about two metres in front of me. The day sort of went downhill from there.

During my lunch break I ran into a crazy guy in a bookstore who told me that I'd have to read Crime and Punishment ten times before I could begin to understand it, and even then I wouldn't because I'm too young and no one ever knows anything until they're at least fifty. He talked at me for about an hour and by the time I left I didn't have time to get any real food, so I had some fairly crappy chocolate chip cookies and was starving for the rest of the day.

Other people at work confuse me. They don't seem to understand why I get upset or frustrated or angry about anything. I can't even express just how sick I am of being told to calm down. When it's 10:55, I've been working for nine and a half hours and I've got another 50 customers to deal with before I can actually leave, all of whom are obviously annoyed that I can't help them all at once with my superhuman powers and have chosen to punish me by making bizarre requests, I reserve the right not to be calm. Who the fuck goes shopping at 10 PM anyway?

Two customers in the last two days have asked me how I can stand all the noise in the store all day. I have no idea. Other people don't mind it, but I've already established that they're all crazy, so I really don't know. Most of the time I ignore it, but that doesn't make it go away. I'm actually starting to hate music. When I come home all I listen to is Nick Drake. And Bright Eyes, because I'm a sad and lonely person.

I hate all forms of life. Especially those with credit cards.

So I get this email from McGill and they're all "Oh yeah, you got in but we forgot to tell you" and I'm all "That's nice, but you didn't offer me money so I'm not going anyway" and is it just me, or are all my LJ entries just about how smart I am? Because I'm really really smart. Like, I got into McGill. But I still can't operate a fucking cash register or form gramatically correct sentences.

I felt like I was asleep today. All day, just had no clue what I was doing. It was sort of scary because I could have been tearing up hundred-dollar bills and I probably wouldn't have noticed.

WORKING NINE AND A HALF HOUR SHIFTS IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU. Especially when they only pay you for eight hours of said shift, and all your customers are horrible people. I wasn't joking about the Tourette's thing, you know. One of these days I'm going to find myself saying things like "Five dollars and five cents is your change, you fucking rude cunt", which really isn't very good customer service. How do other people manage? Are they crazy, or am I? Don't answer that.

Who am I actually talking to when I write these things? I always sound like I'm addressing someone. I don't know. I'm really tired and hungry and my low self-esteem is acting up again, telling me this is the only job I'll ever have and I'm pathetic for not being able to deal with it. I actually really want to sit in a corner and cry right now, but the floor is too cold and sitting in a chair crying just wouldn't have the same effect. There's something wrong with the air-con in here. It works fine, but I can't turn it off so it's fucking freezing all the time. I should get used to being cold, anyway. When I lived with my uncle I was always cold since he had some moral opposition to heating or something. Wore two pairs of socks and a housecoat all the time. It was kind of nice.

Eurgh, this entry is boring. I have nothing to write about. Maybe next time I'll just post pictures of myself in funny hats (as soon as I stop being ugly, which will be any day now, I promise). I should probably get some sleep. No work tomorrow, at least.

I'm quitting. No, really. I am not going to put up with this shit anymore. If they're going to make me work in a horribly understaffed, horribly busy, horribly fucking loud environment for nine and a half hours a day, where I get yelled at for things that I have absolutely no control over, then they might as well fucking pay me. Which they haven't this month, or last month, and which they don't seem to want to do, ever. Never mind that I should be making twice as much as I (supposedly) do, what with all the fucking rude customers I have to deal with. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Do they honestly think that if they wave their credit cards around they can treat people however they want?

What's more depressing, of course, is that some people spend their entire lives being abused like this. Whether I quit or not (and I probably won't, unfortunately) I'm only in it for another couple of months. Most people in the store are a lot older than me and have been at this for quite a while, and have managed to do this without developing Tourette's syndrome or having nervous breakdowns or any of the things that seem to be happening to me. On one hand, if other people can do it, why can't I? (Then again, other people have friends and don't alphabetize their clothes and aren't afraid to pick up the phone, so it may just be one of those things.) On the other hand, do these people really have no other options? Are they going to be abused like this, working ridiculous hours in a crowded store where they have no control over anything, for the rest of their lives? And why the fuck are we not in a fucking union?

Then again, if we were, we would have gone on strike a long time ago and the managers might actually have to start treating us like human beings. And we never will be, either, because we're all too scared to actually stand up for ourselves. I'm such a hypocrite, actually. Ooh, aren't I the rebel, bitching about workers' rights in my fucking online journal. I should be standing on a street corner distrubiting copies of The Communist Manifesto, but if I tried I wouldn't be there (or in this country) for very long.

As it is I still haven't spoken to anyone about my schedule, or my roster, and I'm still being ridiculously nice to the rude people. Maybe tomorrow I'll just be really slow with anyone who's rude to me. Well, except if there are people waiting behind them, because that's just not nice. I hate my life.

Had lunch with Lex and a few other CIS people today. Made me realise just how much I love Korean food, and how little my friends' lives have been changed by my absence. Ah, well. I never expected anyone to miss me. The kimchi was delicious.

How is it that all my female friends are so much better looking than me? Actually, how is it that all women are so much better looking than me? I was on the bus yesterday evening after going to the gym (and who the fuck had the bright idea of playing Keane in the gym, anyway?) and there were all these gorgeous girls there as well, all made up for some kind of Friday night... thing. They all looked fantastic in their short skirts and tank tops, and I felt very, very conscious of the fact that I'm built like a tank. Didn't use to be so noticeable, but Lex was right when he said I'd gotten fat. I shouldn't mind, since it's such a stupid thing to worry about, but I feel so awkward taking up so much space.

I can't believe I haven't quit my job yet, either. I get the feeling that if I did, no one at HMV would ever forgive me because we're so understaffed as it is. You'd think that my boss would have taken the hint, what with all the people quitting. Today there were two people working downstairs, in the busiest part of the goddamn store, on the busiest day of the goddamn week. And whoever worked out my schedule doesn't seem to understand that four days a week is not the same thing as six days a week, and it isn't all that fair to make someone work till 11 PM every day because some of us kind of enjoy sleeping.

On the other hand, Nick Drake's Pink Moon is lovely. I really am enjoying that staff discount. Almost makes up for the fact that they don't seem to actually want to pay me.

I woke up this morning thinking, great, I've got two days off and I can finally sleep in. Then I remembered that they changed my shifts and I only have one day off, which wasn't today. On the other hand, I have tomorrow off and I'm only working two days next week, which kind of makes up for the fact that I have to work Saturday and Sunday and I hate my job. It's competely mind-numbing yet I always manage to fuck it up. No wonder my boss thinks I'm an idiot. I've actually lost so much money through stupid mistakes, and I really shouldn't be spending it all on food and CDs. I just don't want to leave the house anymore.

On the other hand, I'm going to Club Med next Wednesday, and the new Bright Eyes album is absolutely beautiful. It makes me cry, because I'm stupid and emo.

That's it. I'm a spoilt brat who's had everything handed to me on a fucking silver platter and I'll never be a productive member of society and I'm just useless, and stupid, and fucking pathetic but I am not going to spend another nine and a half hours straight trying to be nice to people who act like I don't exist. Particularly when, due to my own stupidity and lack of attention span, I seem to actually be losing money at this fucking job. I'm an idiot. I'm no good at this. Christ... how am I ever going to do anything if I manage to fuck up at cashiering?

Why didn't I just jump off a bridge when I had the chance? I think the rest of the world would appreciate if I did, at this point.

I overreact about everything, but I honestly can't even talk about this right now. I've been shaking for hours. Probably lost even more money that way. Can't see straight, can't think can't talk can't do anything. I started out braindead and numb and it just went downhill from there.

And I was supposed to finish filling out my application to Queen's today, but I can't be bothered because I'll never get in anyway.

One more day of work then I get a three day weekend! Finally! I still don't hate my job, though I'm getting close to it, and I'm pretty sure everyone at work actually thinks I'm crazy now. I should probably stop pacing around and mumbling quietly to myself all the time. Doesn't make a great impression on the customers, either.

For the most part customers are okay, though. I actually kind of like talking to them - we have long, involved discussions about such life-changing topics as credit cards, calculators and Pete Doherty. Talked to one girl who had seen the Libertines and Babyshambles live. Serious jealous fangirl moment for me there. And there was a guy who wanted me to fix his calculator (which I managed to do, actually) and the woman who bought $2000 worth of gift vouchers (which would have been fine if the biggest individual vouchers we sold had been worth more than $50). And one guy wanted his money back because I overcharged his credit card by 40 cents. What is wrong with people?

I'll stop talking about work so much once I get completely bored with my job, I swear. That'll be soon anyway. I do consider quitting every, um, five minutes or so, but I need the money. I'm such a sellout. Speaking of which, I bought The Sims 2 today. There goes my social life. (Oh, wait...)

Why do all the crazy people in Singapore have to come to HMV? Today a guy showed up with a basket full of DVDs, argued with my manager for about twenty minutes, got me to ring up all the DVDs (plus a few more which he requested I find halfway through the transaction, because that makes sense) which totalled about $1400, then mentioned, finally, that he had no money. Well, no Singaporean money at least. So we waited half and hour for him to get some Singaporean money, then did the whole thing over again when he came back.

And then there was the woman who asked if I was the manager (nevermind that I look twelve and was wearing a name tag with the word TRAINEE printed very clearly on it) and all the people who show up saying "I wanted to get this song I heard on the radio... I can't remember the title, or the artist though... do you have it?" because of course with my SUPER CASHIER POWERS I can just guess, right? (These are, of course, the same powers that allow me to talk on the phone, search the store's database and charge a $5 purchase to a MasterCard all at the same time. Apparently this is expected of me.)

Okay, two more days, and then I get three days off. Eurgh. I really wish I was in a union. A union that banned the playing of godawful Canto-pop in all record shops. Because dear god, who listens to that crap?

( The rest is a bit wanky )

So I started work on Tuesday. I'm working nine and a half hour shifts, I have no idea what I'm doing and if I fuck up one more time my boss will probably kill me. And I thought I'd have tomorrow off, but no, apparently I have to work till nine-thirty which makes no sense at all because you can't make someone work five days in a row when they only work four days a week and especially if they work nine and a half our shifts argh argh argh I hate everything so much. I feel so oppressed. Seriously, I should join a union or something. Except that there are no unions in Singapore so I guess I'll have to go on being oppressed for $5 an hour. And dealing with evil customers who yell at me because SORRY IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT I'M THE ONLY PERSON WORKING THIS COUNTER OKAY IF YOU'RE IN SUCH A HURRY JUST FUCK OFF AND DON'T BUY ANYTHING.

And what is wrong with people, anyway? Does everyone in Singapore have nothing better to do than to spend all day at HMV? And what happened to paying cash, anyway? Paying for an eight-dollar purchase with a credit card makes no sense. And why does everyone have to buy the same crappy music? If I see one more person paying for an Avril Lavigne album I'll... well, I'll do nothing because those crappy Avril Lavigne albums kind of pay my salary (which goes towards buying non-crappy albums, of course) but I'll be really annoyed.

Actually, I don't hate my job. My boss is scary but most other people are nice, and there are good moments... they played a couple of Morrissey songs in the store today, and I was all OMG MORRISSEY YAYE because I'm a pathetic loser. Oh, and I actually saw cementian the other day. It was weird because we'd never actually met before but she recognized me. So yeah, there are good things. Money, staff discounts, not having to sit around all day... I do have a newfound sympathy for stupid people though.